When I was 14, an older friend of mine, Seth, locked me into the ante-room of a teacher’s office and molested me. Then a little while later, the older brother of a classmate, Norman, and I went to the Spanish club office, where he molested me. Then a full-grown married man in an H.M.S. Pinafore production I was in took me to see the production better from the balcony, and he molested me. He was a piano tuner, and soon after, oddly enough, came to our house to tune the piano. Everywhere I turned were men. You’d think I’d learn not to go with them, but plenty of times I went with males and nothing happened. It was hard to tell. I honestly wasn’t real clear on what I was supposed to do. New school, no girlfriends, a mother in the 1940s.
These things had the expected results and effects on me. When I finally told my parents, they assured me that I was not morally damaged, and my future husband would forgive and understand. My hallucinations and voices became worse and turned evil. Eventually I began to perseverate, where the scenes would play over and over like an ancient movie in my head, starting over like a snake biting its tail. I became promiscuous and had no emotional connection with sex.
Yadda yadda, it was bad, I survived. I realized how much it still affected me when I had to deal with a step-son who molests other mentally challenged men and women. The system says: This Happens. Everyone in the situation seems to accept this but me, and I’ve been told my view is colored by having been molested.
I didn’t have words for the things that happened to me. I bet my step-son’s victims don’t either. It was so out of the realm of my experience that I just stood in front of the mirror and stared at myself, wondering if anyone could tell. I looked under my clothes, expecting there to be black or red marks. I took a deep breath and went on to French.
What do my step-son’s victims do with this. Experts have told me that the molestation bothers me a lot more than it bothers his victims. The staff watch him more closely now. It probably won’t happen again very often.
It probably won’t happen very often.