Tim was wounded, kind, respected me as a person, smart as a whip, innocent or vulnerable or something like that. We planned our lives together, and if there were one cis-male human who could have made me happy, it was probably him. I trusted him.
Sweet hippy-looking girl with pig tails and Levis sings Cat Stevens and American Pie. Conversation with boys consisted of really?, wow, and then what did you do? I hated these boys who could be so manipulated by my blank-personality facade and hip-hugger jeans. They somehow reminded me of my molesters. I still sometimes confuse the two. Here was my manifesto:
- Men don’t feel things as deeply as women do.
- Women are more empathetic.
- Men use force of will to make institutions like the LCMS or the government to legitimate their power over moral considerations.
- When men use logic or empathy, it is usually only from a male perspective: e.g. missionaries. zoos.
- Men are more linear; women are more holistic.
- Men underestimate women. They never expect me to think for myself until it’s too late for them.
So I decided I would never raise a boy. I still am puzzled that so many heterosexual relationships work: I feel I would rebel against unfair distributions of work and wealth and other things. But I haven’t been in the cis-het world for decades, so maybe that has changed. I try not to judge so much, but I am so triggered when I see men exerting their power because they can. I feel unsafe and want to fight. I know I can beat them.
I think that Tim would have been different.