Tim and not-Tim

Tim was wounded, kind, respected me as a person, smart as a whip, innocent or vulnerable or something like that.  We planned our lives together, and if there were one cis-male human who could have made me happy, it was probably him.  I trusted him.

Sweet hippy-looking girl with pig tails and Levis sings Cat Stevens and American Pie.  Conversation with boys consisted of really?, wow, and then what did you do?  I hated these boys who could be so manipulated by my blank-personality facade and hip-hugger jeans.  They somehow reminded me of my molesters.  I still sometimes confuse the two.  Here was my manifesto:

  • Men don’t feel things as deeply as women do.
  • Women are more empathetic.
  • Men use force of will to make institutions like the LCMS or the government to legitimate their power over moral considerations.
  • When men use logic or empathy, it is usually only from a male perspective: e.g. missionaries. zoos.
  • Men are more linear; women are more holistic.
  • Men underestimate women.  They never expect me to think for myself until it’s too late for them.

 

So I decided I would never raise a boy.  I still am puzzled that so many heterosexual relationships work:  I feel I would rebel against unfair distributions of work and wealth and other things.  But I haven’t been in the cis-het world for decades, so maybe that has changed.  I try not to judge so much, but I am so triggered when I see men exerting their power because they can.  I feel unsafe and want to fight.  I know I can beat them.

I think that Tim would have been different.

 

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