Suites and wings in my head

I was first told that God would forgive me for being molested, and later told I was lying about it. Even my grandmother told me about being molested by their LCMS pastor when she was a child, in her own kitchen.  We have been grabbed and objectified, as are the girls now, as their daughters will be.

I’m totally triggered by media sensations of the most popular rapists.  It brings back so many feelings of fear, pain, abandonment, silence.  They’re different from the original feelings.  Then, I was mostly numb.  The pain mostly came in the months and years later.  I’m triggered and re-assaulted when the media makes a circus.

I knew my body was not my own from the time I was 14.  I retreated into my head and let whomever I chose do whatever they wanted.  I can’t bear to think about this even now. My head grew and grew as I needed more room, with suites for creativity, logical thinking, and wings for religious thinking and hallucinations.  Often I retreated to these halls and rooms during. Because of this bifurcation, I hardly feel physical pain at all any more.

No magic answer, no hope.  I want to know, for healing, if I need to deal with each situation separately, or if I can lump them all together.


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