I woke up. I woke up more self-confident, more able to assert my rights, more able to express my thoughts and feelings, with more fire in my belly. In short, I was not myself.
I want to know why I woke up that way. What neurological or chemical change happened in the last madness that my personhood would change? How is that even possible? Did the distance between neurons expand? Or maybe the electrical system got faster, resulting in fire in the belly? Maybe some chemical bile slipped up into my brain. Some processes we learned about in biology class magically and systematically affect personhood? There’s as much hokus pokus in that as in the humors.
I want me back the old way. She was kinder, more patient, less controlling, more thoughtful. I haven’t yet learned that because I can assert my rights doesn’t obligate me to do so. Winning is horrible when it’s just because I’m stronger, smarter. Confidence is bullshit: Just because my opinions are logical and forceful doesn’t make them right or appropriate. I am constantly wrong in my new personhood, by the quality of my opinions and by the values my old person held.
The debilitating anxiety has demurred. I can make phone calls. I can drive myself. But I come off as crazy. I should go into battle with a tinfoil hat so my opponents know what they’re dealing with. I get to the point where my arguments are logical but insane, reasoned but out of this world. I interact with the world in a new demented way.
Why? Did being deeply suicidal and paranoid create permanent damage, the way a stressed elbow could become disabled? Have I ruined my head? Where did I go?